knowing when she's interested

( Note: if you're new around here,
please read the disclaimer at the bottom of this post. )

I'm a flirt.

I admit it.

Of course,
most people don't think I am.

That's cause...
I'm really not that good at it.

I think I'm being cute,
when most women just figure I'm being a smart ass.

Oh well.



The truth is, it's not that easy to flirt.

Men and women are wired so differently,
that an innocent act might be interpreted as a pass,
and a pass might be interpreted as an innocent act.

Not that I ever do anything innocently...........



Reading each other's signals,
especially when it's someone that you don't really know that well,
can be downright difficult.

Or at least, from a man's perspective it can be.


From a woman's perspective, if you just keep one thing in mind, ladies, you'll always know where we (men folk) are coming from.

We're thinking about sex.

If you attract our attention, we'll be thinking about sex with you.

Simple?

Oh sure. But it don't work that way for us.

We can attract your attention all we want,
but there's no tellin what other considerations might be on your mind ........

..... are you looking for a dude with a hot rod or some cold cash?
..... did you just look at me, or look through me?
..... do you like muscular dudes or are you just looking for a free trainer?
..... does gray hair at the temples mean sexy or security?
..... are you smiling or smirkin?

Questions, questions, questions.......

One thing I know for sure, the first thing she's thinking about ain't sex.



mm hmm....

Well, the more I thought about the subject,
the more I realized that we men need some kinda rule book or rough-guide.....
... to how a woman shows her interest in a man.

And I'm just the guy to write it.

You know, those who can, do...... those who can't, write about it.

Ahem.




The first thing a man must know about women is that only very rarely will a total stranger hottie walk up to you in a bar and sing the first few bars of the chorus to "Lady Marmalade"........
( you know... "Voulez vous couchez avec moi, c'est soir?")

And then, it's always followed by a monetary demand,
usually in more understandable English.


No.... you gotta work for it, buddy.


But let's say you have put in the commensurate amount of preemptive work,
and you're trying to determine her interest level.

There are some indicators,

... short of her surreptitiously tuggin' at your zipper
under the table during a staff meeting,

that are worth looking for.

( because, alas, that is another extremely rare occurrence , to be sure. )



The first one is the way she smiles at you.

A smile ain't just a smile.

There are all kinds of smiles ....
you got yer fake smile that women use in job interviews and casting calls,
the "I don't see you" smile they use in the supermarket and at toll booths,
the uncomfortable smile they use in the adult book store and the auto parts store........

You're not looking for any of those.

What you want is a full face smile -- teeth exposed, eyes wide, mouth slightly open.

You know, like she really DOES like ya.

If she beams you one of these, the chances of her actually liking you are very good.



Eye contact is a very good indicator of initial interest.

If she seeks eye contact, and holds it longer than the required split second,
and you don't break off first, you have captured her interest...

In what way is she interested, well, that's yet to be determined, of course...

She could be looking at you
... the same way she stared at that frog she dissected in the fifth grade.

Just before she threw up.


But you get the picture....

Be sure you don't break the eye contact first -- which would tell her that you are either not interested in her, or are just a big putty-tat spelled a different way.




Buying a strange girl a drink in a bar has it's ups and downs, of course.

The key here is to place yourself so she can see you, when the drink arrives.

She'll either look at you or she won't.

If she looks, you make sure your eyes are there to meet hers.

She'll do a quick once over to see if you're worth the trouble,
and then she'll either smile ( see above) ,
or give you the same look your gym teacher gave you when you asked for softer dodgeballs.

If she doesn't look,
take that as a hint that her boyfriend Bruno is simply away in the mens room
for an extended sniff and dribble, and will be returning momentarily.
Even if there's no Bruno.

If she asks questions about you to your friends....
... this is another good indication.
She wouldn't be asking questions about ya,
if the very sight of you gave her diarrhea.

Make sure your buddies give you a high recommendation.... buy another round.




That girl at the office...
... have you noticed that she likes to touch your arm when she talks to you?

Touching is a very strong indicator.

Women don't touch indiscriminately...
... even the touchy-feely ones,
don't do it to men they aren't interested in.

It'd be like getting her to pet that boa constrictor at the zoo....
.......most of them wouldn't dream of it.

( the ones that do like to touch snakes -
-- well, they'll make for a kicky weekend,
but they'll eventually wanna cut your cajones off
and hang em from their rear view mirror. )



If she likes to hit you or insult you, you're definitely on her list.

It sounds kinda weird, I guess,
but remember back in junior high, that girl who always made fun of your hair--
she was really showing that she liked ya....

Even when she de-panted ya at the dance that time...
she just wanted to see what kinda underpants you wore.
But, ya fooled her, huh?

Course, I'm talking about love-taps...
if she hauls off and whacks ya with a desk, she's probably not your type, ya know?
Your medical plan don't cover that, anyway.

If she plays with her hair or clothes a lot while you're around,
... it means either she's interested in you ( assuming you're the only guy there.. )
or she's got the heebee jeebees . ( or lice, maybe..)

This is called 'preening' , and it goes way back to the caveman days.....
when Cavelady Catherine wanted Elmer the Caveman
to come and bonk her on the head,
she would spend hours trying to get the mats out of her hair
with a mastodon bone comb,
and then try to fluff it up for Elmo when he was around, to draw his attention.

( I already told you ladies what happens once you get our attention... )

How do I know this, you ask?

From the famous cave drawings at Kakadu, Australia.....
( of course, my interpretation of the drawings might vary wildly from the more academic one..)




Now, you know I'd have to mention the gym at least once in this post...

And if you find yourself constantly working out next to the same girl in a large gym,
either she's following you ( it could happen, I guess ) ,
or you're following her ( don't do that.. it's called stalking ).

If you really think she's interested,
I would head for the juice bar,

.... or if you really feel like getting shot down, the tanning bed.

Cause that kinda subtlety don't work anywhere, bud.

Disclaimer:

Ladies, please don't take any of this personal.

You already know I'm completely full of shit, and that I'm out of my ever lovin' mind. None of this is true about any of you, or about your sex in general. It contains not even a germ of truth, or resemblance of any germ of truth.It is simply the product of a sick imagination, dreamed up by some ignorant musclehead, ---with way too much testosterone and not enough brains to fill up a Ny-Quil dose cup.

If you're a 'sensitive soul', this is probably the wrong guy's stuff to be reading. I would suggest Lord Byron, or Coleridge. One of those romantic English types. Do NOT go hiding in your closet for two weeks or sending viral emails to all your weepy girlpals and wispy guypals about what a mean, cold hearted misogynst you think I am. I'm kidding. I don't mean it. It's supposed to be funny. J O K I N G.

It cannot be construed in any way to be a valid justification for suicidal thoughts, hating all men, dreading relationships, not taking your meds, or otherwise avoiding healthy human contact.

And as a public service to all the humorless neo-feminazis out there, consider your feck-you emails already sent and received. Thanks.