on the road with yer ole uncle nuts

It's never a good idea to get the guys together for an outdoor excursion.

I know that.

You know that.

My Great Aunt Sarah knows that.

But for some reason, we seem to forget it the minute one of us idiots mentions the idea.

Sure, it sounds like a great idea all of a sudden.

We'll get the scooters out, pack em up with a coupla days supplies, and off we'll putt.

Actually, when it comes to brilliant ideas, Pig Iron can take credit for them, usually.

And this one, too.

Ok.... so, we'll go. Go where?

"Hey", says our resident genius, "The Great Smokey Mountains National Park is nice this time of year... it won't be crowded, not too cold, bears are hibernatin...."

Ok... all in favor signify by the usual grunt.

All opposed?

Motion carried.

Off we putt. Sleeping bags wrapped all snug on our sissy bars... back packs packed, saddle bags full of junk and trail mix. (Trail mix. You know, for the trail,)

Beer in the cooler, on Brick Face's trike, all is right with the world.

Got three pairs of shorts and two tshirts- and a heavier sweat shirt-- in case of a blizzard.

But I figure, the bike don't have snowtires, so, it can't snow or anything like that. Hell, it's October for crying out loud... and this ain't the Arctic circle.

Besides, my summer leather jacket and jeans are plenty warm when we leave Charlotte.

It's something about the call of the wild on a man that just makes him goofy.

Cause I'm freezin already, at Maggie Valley,... and I've got to go almost straight UP from there.

But, you know how misery loves company? I take great comfort in the fact that Mikey is still wearing shorts.

Somehow, that makes my shivering a little less , well,,, shivery.

Still, I can't help wondering if it's possible to drive a motorcycle while wrapped all snug in a sleeping bag. I decide not to try it. But it took all my will power.

After a very blow-up-yer-engine-from-overheating kind of hill climb to US-19, we hit the Blue Ridge Parkway,

This highway is well known as a biker's road... unfortunately, every jamoke who just got a scoot for their birthday and never rode before in their lives is out trying to steer instead of lean.... so, we're puttin along at about 15 miles per hour.

My V-twin is spitting, coughing, rattling and generally just bitchin at this speed......

..... and the other guys know I'm gonna start sideswipin these morons off the mountain any mo.

But you know me, I'm a peace loving kinda guy....
.... so I settle for a kind word as I pass riding on the double lines.

The highlite of the ride was a coupla girls in an old Toyota truck on US-64 flashing something that coulda been their chests.... I missed most of the show.

I couldnt see 'cause of the constant rain of minute drops of engine oil exuding from the tailpipes of Mikey's AMF-era rat rake.

It's no wonder the guy gotta add oil every time he stops for gas.

Dammit... one of these days, I'm gonna buy one of those new fangled space helmets with the shield.... I'm getting too old for a half helmet and a pair of KD's.

We blow into Cherokee after about 5 hours.... and Top wants to see the casino.

No worries.... an hour or so to warm up,,,, we'll get something to eat in the meantime.

Um hmmm.... I guess there musta been some kinda virus affecting restaurant workers going on, cause the only place that seemed to be open was a Big Boy.

oh no..... pleeeeze..... not the Midwest's version of a Waffle House.....

Yep. Absolutely horrific food.

Cold, greasy, tasteless.... well,,, tasteless, if you don't count the exquisite piquant of very old grease.

The hostess looked like she was a cast member of one of those haunted mansion theme parks they do around Halloween.... pale as a vampire, with a langour that could only be described as belonging to the 'walking dead'.

The waitress grunted like she only knew four words and didn't want to run out of them.

I never heard of tartar sauce on a hamburger, but apparently,it's all the rage in fine eating establishments of this ilk.....

----- what it does to the already foul flavor of a 50% fat hamburger patty, well, let's just say it's indescribable.

My stomach hadnt settled down from that US-19 climb up the Mountain of Death, now this??

Ugh.

Oh well.

We were soon on our way back to pickup our buddy Top from the casino.

Or, should I say, rescue.

Now, that casino takes kinda a dim view of a whole bunch of muscleheads on motorcycles pulling up to their main portico, or all pouring into the casino at once like some invading band of marauders...

....... so everybody eddied out, and Pokey and I went into get him.

I guess we got there just in time.

It took us a little while to find him, though.

We figured he'd be in the slot machine area, where he likes to live on his casino excursions....

But he tweren't there. (How's THAT for a word? Sure, it's made-up, but ain't it great?)

We asked one old broad if she'd seen him, and once the description was given, it was certain an impression had been made, and she pointed sorta leisurely toward the customer service area, where we found him.

He was not in a happy mood, and the two security guys standing by the desk didn't look too happy either.

I'm not really sure to this day what exactly happened, but somehow there was a discrepancy between him and the casino about who gets to keep the money when he loses.

I don't gamble, and I don't know nothing about high finance, but I think the casino mighta had a point.

Anyway, I knew I could say only one thing to tear him away from screamin at them people and banging on the counter one more time.

So, I said it.

I whispered it soft and low- just loud enough for him to hear it.

"Sheriff"

Without going into detail, here, suffice to say, that one word was plenty motivation enuf- and we were throwing gravel within 90 seconds of the word being uttered.


Well, kids... hasn't this been a thrilling adventure, so far?

But....... .

Will our heroes make it to their mountain camp site?

What kinda wild beasts and wilder women will they hopefully encounter?

Will Brick Face get his operation, or will lil Martha Mae have to carry on without him?


This and many more exciting questions will be answered in the next installment of
our story.

Look for part two in :" In the Woods with Yer Ole Uncle Nuts "

Coming soon to this fine theatre.

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