Grinchy Secret Santa Gifts

If you're like most working people,
... you get this annual pain that comes along around the holidays.....

It's called the Secret Santa gift exchange....
where you supposedly spend about 10-20 bucks for a present to one of your co-workers,
.... whom you normally wouldn't bother to even spill coffee on.


I dunno about you, but I hate those things.

It never fails....

I'll spend the whole twenty bucks on somethin nice, and then, when it's time to open MY present, it's some worthless piece o crap they couldn't possibly have spent more than 43 cents for.

Yeah... thanks so much for the thought and effort, anonymous gift giver.

Now, if this just had happened once or twice....
........ well then, I'm a good sport and all.

 ( No, I'm not.... )

 Ummmm.... , I mean,
.......  I can take a joke as well as the next guy.

 ( No, I can't .....  )



 Ok.. that's not the point.
 
 It happened every year, dammit.

 So....

 I decided a couple years ago, that from then on, I was gonna find the most worthless,  wretched, bizarre gifts I could come up with, and use them for that pain of a Secret Santa Exchange,

............. until they called the whole damned thing off. 


 They havent yet.

 Don't get me wrong... I'm not cheap.

 I might even spend more than twenty, if the gift is really out there.

 Cause it's worth it.

 Just order it, wrap it ---

.........  then sit back and surf the undulating waves of wonder and disappointment on the faces of your fellow workaday slaves.


 If you wanna give it a try, well, feel free, my friend.

 The world is yer oyster.
 
 Be sure to practice your "Who would do such a thing" act ahead of time, though......
       ( just in case they suspect it wuz YOU. )

 Lynch mobs can get ugly.




 Here's a fine product you might want to consider.....

Baby Toupees. 

 Yes, what new parent wouldn't be thrilled to get one of these for their kid....

 Comes in four fabulous fashion styles-  Lil Kim, Bob Marley, Samuel L,

........  and their most popular model --- the Donald Trump.

No matter how ugly the baby,
.......... these are guaranteed to spruce up that little rugrat.

 Wait...

............ lemme get a picture.








 Got a pretty straight laced crowd at your workplace?

 No problem... I got the gift that will loosen the sphincter of any stiff .....

 It's the Beer Beard -- secret beverage dispenser.

 See, what you do, you just put this on, and people will never know you got 72 full ounces of beer stashed discreetly behind your realistic looking facial hair.

 Haha.... wow... how subtle can you get, huh?

 People are probably using this thing at work right now and you never even knew it!

 It might explain a lot.........









 And speaking of tight asses.....

 .....if you work around a lot of vain men, why not give em a little help looking their best?

This is called the Maniki for Men....
... and it's to give that tight, firm and high look ----
......  to even the flabbiest of empennage des masculines.
 
 You know -- a Butt Bra for the Boss.

 This way, you don't have to listen to all the excuses about:
how he's flabby because he's too busy for the gym,
how he eats Pizza all the time because he's too busy to eat right,
how his clothes don't fit because he's too busy to go shoppin....
how he drinks too much beer because he was so busy that his wife ran off with a jazz musician.......






 But, what about that overweight big busted office busybody who thinks that you like her leaning over your desk....

... while she pumps you for gossip and eats all of the jellybeans out of your jar....

.....  when you'd just as soon she jumped out of the 42nd story lavatory window tied to a roll of extra absorbent toilet paper?


 Yes, we got that covered.

 It's called the Cami-Secret.... as seen on TV.

 ( over and over and over and over and over again... )

 A very subtle way of suggesting that she keep her decolletage to her gabby self.

 Now, personally, I think these should be outlawed....

... cause I dont ever remember objecting to the display of decolletage of any sort,

...... but hey, I know you've still got your mother's picture on your desk, so.....


 Oh, and pardon my French.







 What's that you say?

 You'd rather get the boss something -- and make it high-tech?

 Well, how about combining the ultimate techy-gadgety app for the IPad.....
.......   with the ultimate in low tech , old fashioned girl watchin' ?

Let your wondering eyes behold the Bijin-Tokei subscription application.

( in English - "beauty clock " )

  Every minute of the day, 24 hours -- a new picture of a Japanese cutie holding a sign with the correct time ( in Japan) will arive on his IPad or other high tech gizmo.

 He'll never wonder what time it is in Kyoto, again.

 Hmmm...

 and while we're on the subject of spiffy Japanese products.......

This here one I kinda like.....

  Of course, it's $40......  so it's perfect for people like me,
....... who'd rather have a laugh,
........... than money to buy luxuries like food and clothing.

 It's the Choken-Bako dog bank.

 You put money in the dog's bowl, and it picks it up and stores it in the bank.
( located in his belly )

 What a useful and thoughtful gift.

 Especially if the person don't like dogs.

 Just the right blend of citchey gizzie and extravagant wasteful spending that shows
why you should be the head of the accounting department.







 
 I know you got one in your office-- everybody has.

 Its the guy who can't do anything, go anywhere, or even say a word, until he's had his coffee fix.

 When now, he can get to work right away- 'cause an instant coffee buzz is just a whiff away.

 This pack of LeWhif instant coffee inhalers are advertised as being as ----
          "rich as coffee, as light as air" ---

 At twenty bucks a pack, they're rich alright .....
 And they're so light, you won't even taste em.

 Except maybe for that powdery residue you'll get in your lungs and throat,
..... if you suck too hard trying to get some flavor out of these things.





 But remember-- the good thing about these fine products is,
................ that you can't receive your own present.


 .......... until next year.....
 when the lucky recipient re-wraps it for Secret Santa 2011.

Disclaimer:

The preceding products presented in this post are all real products --

... whether or not you'll get your ass fired or in dutch,
.........  remains a matter between you and your employer.

Personally, I figure you should be as discreet as possible when giving these things....

.... you know, kinda like sneak it onto the pile when nobody is looking...

....  use frilly wrapping paper that no one would figure you'd use, that kinda thing.

And remember my suggestion about practicing that look of horror/surprise.

Other than that, you're on your own, buddy.

Good luck with it.