Bowling with Yer Ole Uncle Nuts

So you say you opened your box of Froot Loops this morning,
and out popped a coupon for a free game at your local AMF Bowling Center?

Hoooo boy. Lucky you.

What are the odds, after all.


Umm....
What's that you say, chum?

You want to use the coupon, but you've never darkened the door of a bowling alley in your life---
and you don't know HOW to bowl?

Is that what's buggin you?

Hey, no worries.

Your old pal Carolina Muscle has the solution to make sure
you get your full two dollars worth of free bowling pleasure.

We hereby present to you:

"Carolina Muscle's Guide to Bowling" ( with apologies to Don Carter ).


Ahhh.... Bowling - the sport of kings.

You know, bowling isn't nearly as complicated as it first appears.

It's actually quite simple -- we can probably cover it in one paragraph.


You see, there's these white pieces, and there's these black pieces....

and a coupla pieces are shaped like a castle, and a few more like a horse,

and there's some that look like they're wearing a mitre... and some other ones, too.

They all move in different patterns....

.... and once you learn the moves each piece is permitted to move,

and the various starting and end strategies,

you're ready to develop an attack plan to capture the other guy's king.

See? ............ simple, right?


Wait.

Sorry... that's chess, not bowling.


Bowling is much more complicated.



Proper Attire

The first thing you gotta know about bowling is how important it is for ya to fit in.

You can't just walk into a bowling alley ( the regulars call it a "Temple of Bowling" ) ---
dressed in a suit and tie.

Don't ya got any pride at all?


There are specially manufactured tunics designed for maximum efficiency and comfort,
... while absorbing the blood, sweat, and tears ( not to mention other bodily fluids) ......
that anyone who takes the sport seriously is sure to shed plenty of.

These are called "Bowling Shirts"-
and while they are extremely fashionable
and make you look like the athlete you truly are,
they are never to be worn outside the 'temple'.


( Folks might confuse you with a dork. )

Stretch pants are also quite popular....
lycra or nylon is sure to give you that firm roundness--
that will draw all the hotties away from the nacho bar to watch you shake up that spare.


 Of course, you need not spend a fortune on wardrobe when you're just starting out.

 Just ask yourself - "Is this an outfit I'd be proud to wear around the trailer park?"

 If so, you're good to go.


 And wear some old shoes that you don't mind losing in case you decide to steal those
extra fancy rental bowling shoes.

 They come in extra handy for sneaking up the stairs at home late at night after a night in the
bowling alley bar.
 


 Or, if you happen to be a hottie, ( what are you doing reading THIS guy's stuff?)
I recommend you wear the shortest skirt you can find.

 Please?

 Signing In


Once you have made your entry, you must register at the desk in order to get a "Lane"
----(that's bowling parlance for a place to throw your balls around)-----
and some special shoes ( to which I have previously alluded ).

 If you're one of those people who doesn't wear socks, you are indeed in luck.

 Those same foot funguses and bacteria with which you have already grown familiar in your daily life will be about the only ones you'll encounter in your rental shoes.......

you know, tinea unguium, onychomycyosis, tinea pedis, pseudomonas, trichophyton rubrum....
...............  the usual stuff.

 Of course, it probably wouldn't hurt to bring a bottle of Brut after shave -
-- just to take the edge off the odor of those shoes ( yours and the rentals ). 

 Splash it on liberally.

 Bowling chicks dig that.

Once you've been assigned a lane, the next task will be to go find your balls.

Now, I know you're probably thinking to yerself --
that you havent seen them since your divorce settlement,
but I mean bowling balls.


The important thing is to pick out the heaviest ball you can find,
whether it fits your fingers or not.

There's nothing that impresses people more than the loud crashing sound a heavy ball
makes when it comes in contact with the floor, gutter, or the people next to you.


Remember, you can pick out as many as you want, but you can only roll up to two at a time.

This is called a "Goofus throw" -- and will garner special attention from onlookers and
alley employees alike.


It might be better to stick to one, and save the "Goofus" until you're a little more advanced...
or at the very least, had a couple.

And remember: that thing about "only girls throw underhand " doesn't apply to bowling.

Having a Couple

Another important pre-game activity is visiting the lounge.

Here you will find a top quality selection of beverage options,
as well as nutritious energy snacks like french fried okra and foot long bratwursts.

Everyone knows a person bowls better after a coupla drinks.
(....... it's great for the drive home, too. )

So feel free to imbibe liberally.
And to tip, even more liberally.
Fair warning from somebody who knows---
Nobody has a longer memory than a barmaid in a bowling alley bar.

You chintz her, and the next time-
I can't promise you - the creamy consistency of that dip on your onion rings -
will be due to any dairy product ingredients.

Besides, a woman having all her front teeth might become less of a priority
as the hours get late, ya know.

Speaking of that, the next step is learning how to score.

Learning How to Score

 Scoring used to be very hard.

 It used to involve math.

 If you knocked down all the pins with one ball,
that meant you got ten points, plus whatever you hit with the next two balls.
That's called a strike.

 If you knocked down all the pins with two balls,
that meant you got ten points, plus whatever you hit with the next ball.

 If you didnt knock down all the pins with your first two balls,
that meant you got points for the pins you did knock down.

 Clear?

 Sure. Clear as mud.

 But now, they got automatic scoring --- no math skills required.

 What's required now is a Masters Degree in Computer Programming.

 'Cause those automatic scoring thingees make scoring by hand seem like a breeze.

 It takes ya twenty minutes to enter your information to play a ten minute game.

 And that's on the ones that don't take a blood sample.

 Aw well.... you'll figure it out.

 Just ask Clem there in the next lane.
He's gotten so good with his, he can get the porn channel.

Manners

As with other sports like golf, there is a set of rules or etiquette that applies when bowling.

Like golf, it's always polite to wait until the other person bowls before you step up to take your turn.

Like golf, it's always polite to stay quiet while someone is about to make a shot.

Unlike golf, it is not necessary or recommended to yell "FORE" before every turn.
The proper thing to yell is " Hey Y'all- Watch 'Dis ".

If you throw your ball and it lands three lanes over, any pins you knock down may not count toward your score. Those automatic scorers have trouble with that.

While most adults only use one hand to throw the ball, you should not try to drink and bowl simultaneously. It's bad for the digestion.

If that big guy in the next lane over should throw his ball into the gutter, you can feel free to
make him feel better about it by saying "Nice Gutter Ball, Pinhead."

Nacho cheese is not to be used as a hole lubricant.

Throwing the ball when the 'gate' is down might also be frowned upon by alley staff....
.... depending on whether you can hit the attendant or not.

And finally,
It is only common courtesy to buy all the drinks when bowling a round with Carolina Muscle.



Now -- go have fun !!!!

Tell em Yer Ole Uncle Nuts sent ya!!