2009 weird news in review

According to Miami Police, Vince Shlomi, that creepy looking dude who sells those crappy chamois "Sham Wow" towels on TV.....

(you know, "The Joymans always make good stuff")

..... was arrested a coupla months ago for punching out a prostitute after she bit him. Shlomi admitted to paying the woman $1000 'for straight sex', but she turned on him when he french kissed her... so he slap-chopped her, as seen on TV.

The Dade County Prosecutor decided not to press felony charges, but reminded Shlomi to keep his Shlomi to himself, "cause they can't do this all day".





A University in Australia has just completed a cutting edge study on a subject near and dear to the hearts and boo-boos of millions ---- the most painless way to remove a band-aid.

This very extensive (and expensive) study at James Cook University in Queensland found that ripping the damn thing off quickly is less painful than the slow hand approach.

Mom, you wuz right. Again





Another big problem for the human race has been solved by a group in Sweden, who have decided that “The mythical status of the hymen has caused far too much harm for far too long,” so much so, that they have renamed the hymen the "Vaginal Corona".

Oh jeez, am I relieved.






How smooth can you get?
Apparently, that's what Pennsylvania's dumbest criminal thinks about his arrest for robbing a cop at an April, 2009 Police convention in Harrisburg...

.... he had pointed a gun at the cop in the rest room, took his wallet, but was caught while trying to hail a cab outside. Asked for comment, he replied "I'm so smooth".

Oh yeah. You iz dat.





aww... those wacky Iranians.
It has been an interesting time in Iran lately, with male members of Iran's freedom movement using a unusual tactic to express their discontent.... dressing up in that same womens scarf thingee the Iranian government makes all women wear.

Why that seems to bug the Iranian government as much as it does, I have no idea... but it's got em all kinds of crazy. Actually, they were the ones who had the brilliant idea to dress up one of the guys they arrested at an anti-government protest in a chador to humiliate him, and then take a picture, and give it to the media. But apparently, the tactic backfired.

I don't get what so humiliating about being forced to wear a garment that represents the very thing (oppression) the guy is protesting, anyway.

Hell, I'd wear it, too, if it'll get that regime in Iran to be a little more copesetic toward personal liberties.

Hey -------- silk is very tactile, ya know.




The Free Breast Exam clinic guy might be coming to your door, ladies..
...........if it does, don't let him in.

Yes, Phillip Winkioff, a.k.a, "Doctor Phil", was arrested a coupla years ago after going door to door, black bag in hand, offering women free breast exams, near my old high school in Coconut Creek, Florida.

I miss doctors making house calls, don't you?

I guess some other folks do too.

The problem was, once he got a feel, he kept heading south... apparently, he had done this a number of times, but no one had ever complained before the BSO got a call from an unsatisfied (errr. sorry ... UNHAPPY) patient.

But the good/bad news is, that I'm told ole Dr. Phil has served his time, and is totally rehabilitated.

Yeah, RAHT. Pap smear, anyone?






Courtney Love, the very emblem of modern day motherhood, has again lost custody of her daughter, Frances Bean Cobain.... the last time it was for overdosing right in the front of the then-eleven year old, but this time, it was more a matter of the kid "being strong willed".
I imagine you'd have to be strong willed growing up in that environment, huh?





The lucky state of Illinois will be the home for about 100 or so terrorist suspects being transferred from the Gitmo Navy facility in Cuba ; according to the Associated Press, the prison at Thomson, near the Mississippi river, was selected because of it's isolation and availability. It will employ about 70 people from the local community, but no barbers.

Hey - I wonder how much demand there'll be for scarves ?





And, just so you don't think that the cost of high technology studies just ain't practical for today's budget, the National Physical Laboratory in Middlesex, England has developed the world's smallest snowman.

"The snowman is 10 µm across, 1/5th the width of a human hair. The snowman was made from two tin beads used to calibrate electron microscope astigmatism. The eyes and smile were milled using a focused ion beam, and the nose, which is under 1 µm wide (or 0.001 mm), is ion beam deposited platinum."

Who says scientists are out of touch with the rest of society?






A Bithlow, Florida man, trying to bomb his neighbor's trailer, ended up setting 2 of his own cars, on fire, along with his trailer, yard, and his pickup truck.

... this genius was throwing a Molotov cocktail at the adjacent property, but the wind took it, and burned his own place down instead. Bright boy, huh?

Oh well, what else is there to do in Bithlow?





Awww.... who cares?

A patron of the "I Don't Care" Bar in Hopkinsville, Kentucky passed out on a Friday night not too long ago, and found himself locked in after hours. Police arrived after the patron set off the alarm trying to get out.. no charges were filed.

Yer right. Who cares.






Seth Lowe, a Valedictorian at LSU was recently quoted in a national magazine as saying that
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why this was, Lowe explained that "he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Another smart LSU Grad, huh?

(Would that work???)





Dateline London: Felicha Marin, 18, was charged with shoplifting shoes from a store in Richmond, England, in March, and (according to a report in the Edgware & Mill Hill Times) in the skirmish surrounding her arrest, she was charged with assault for "spraying an officer with milk from her right breast." |

I think she was just looking for the wrong kinda PUMPS.....






From the Sudan: Last year, a BBC News correspondent in Sudan reported that village elders in the Upper Nile state had punished Charles Tombe, who had been caught being amorous with a goat, by requiring him to pay a dowry to the goat's owner, to endure a "wedding" to the goat, and to treat the goat as his "wife" to embarrass him.

The dispatch ran worldwide and was the most popular story on the BBC News' Web site for 2006. BBC News reported in May 2007 that the goat, "Rose," which had given birth to one kid in the interim (not fathered by Tombe,) had recently passed away after choking on a plastic bag. That cheatin' Bitch!

Well, anyhoo, the latest is that Tombe has remarried. This time, a female-type human being. Lucky lady.





Next item... A 48-year-old man in Stockton, England, was found dead last January, naked, inside a large plastic bag attached to a vacuum cleaner, with police concluding at an April inquest that he got his sexual kicks through asphyxiation by having the vacuum suck all the air out of the bag.

It's just proof positive that, YES- stupidity can kill ya .

Following a three-year investigation by federal and local authorities in Orange County, Calif., the owners of at least 10 massage parlors were arrested in March and accused of running prostitution establishments.

Among the investigators' findings was that, to reduce the cost of supplying condoms, the salons urged customers to use plastic food wrap, which management bought in large quantities.

(The waxed paper didn't work NEAR as well....)






Officials in Apex, N.C., finally confiscated the 80 sheep that David Watts had long been keeping in his home as pets ( he says it was purely platonic - he slept upstairs, they downstairs), with the final straw coming when some of the sheep wandered into the local cemetery and munched on fresh floral arrangements.

The town had apparently tolerated Watts's eccentricity for years because of his pleasantness. Said a next-door neighbor, "Officials felt like he was merely living an alternative lifestyle."

I could make ALL KINDS of bAAAAAdd jokes, here, but I'm too dignified a guy for any of that stuff.......






Alachua County, Florida officials are looking for some reefer, literally.......

They say a man who had tested positive for drug use shot out a window at a probation office
and stole a small refrigerator that contained his urine sample. The man, 26-year-old Devin Perry, is in custody, but the refrigerator is still missing.






Florida's been busy.... in Vero Beach, a man has been charged with assault with a deadly cheeseburger...The arrest report said said the Vincent Gonzalez, 22, and his girlfriend got into an argument as they sat in a car in front of their home, and he smashed a cheeseburger into her face. The pair got out of the car, and authorities say the man again took the McDonald's sandwich and put it on her face.

That'll do wonders for her complexion, I'm sure......






A Michigan bowler achieved his lifelong dream of rolling a perfect 300 game, then collapsed and died, a local television station reported Friday. Don Doane, 62, suffered an apparent heart attack minutes after his great triumph at the Ravenna Bowl in Ravenna, Mich., WZZM TV reported.

His teammates said they believed the pressure of bowling 12 straight strikes was just too much for his heart. "That's the way I'd want to go.." said one of his friends.... "... with a smile on my face."

Umm.... yeah.... sure... much better than MY idea.






New York City Episcopal priest Timothy Holder ("Poppa T"), whose HipHopEMass and "Hip Hop Prayer Book" have turned south Bronx youth into parishioners over the last two years, issued a music CD last November featuring Bible stories in street language. For example, the 23rd Psalm:
"The Lord is all that / I need for nuthin' / he 'lows me to chill."


........................... well, DAT BE ALL , WE OUT. 





Disclaimer: any resemblance between any person or persons, living or dead, actual or fictitious, blonde or brunette, 46DD or flat as one of Dad's world famous pancakes, male, female or hermaphrodite, to any fact, factoid, or made-up crapola herein, therein, or wherein contained, might just be a coincidence, or not, who the heck really knows. Not me, that's fer damn sure. Your best bet is not to believe any of it, 'cause even if it were true, you really wouldn't want to know that, wouldya?

(actually, all of these news items are true. sorry.)